while you were busy destroying my life what was half in me has become whole

The Grammy's are in two days and I don't know what to wear. Again. But it's the Grammy's so I'm not wearing like some long ugly thing. Anyway, help?

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( Edwin )

I'm pretty sure I can't feel my feet anymore. How damn cold is it out here? I'm about to ask if we can get paid in food because I am starving and I haven't eaten anything that isn't frozen in like a week and a half. Haven't people ever heard of microwaves before?

If it starts snowing, I am so out of here, gig or not. Food or not. I just want to curl up and go to sleep someplace warm.

Dude. Dude. They asked me to host SNL. Me, of all people. Next week. I'm going to host SNL next week. How messed up is that?? I am seriously freaking out about this. I am so not funny in the slightest.

And then I'm going to be presenting a Grammy or something. I have a couple extra tickets if anyone wants to go, though of course you gotta dress up sort of. That's not until February of course. But I do need a date.


(OOC: Rosario is in fact hosting SNL next week though I didn't know about it until tonight. The Grammy thing is totally made up. But I thought it'd be fun.)

Not to take away from all the fun stuff I've been reading but.

What's everyone doing for New Years? I don't want to sit inside and do nothing.

Anyone want to party?

Best friends gone? Check.

Band mates all gone? Check.

All alone? Check.

I don't even know anymore. Maybe I should just change my face and go somewhere else. I don't know what I did to make everyone leave but I guess a sign's a sign.

Awesome no more penis. Though I kind of missed it.

I have lots and lots of pictures. Streaking while you're a guy is total win.

Actually it's way better to be a dude when everyone else has switched sides. Being your on your own as being a girl turned into a guy sucks.

Right so now back into the studio for real this time. Even if I gotta go by myself.

I would be way more freaked out if this sort of thing didn't happen all the time. Though last time I could change back. Doesn't look like it this time.

Well guess it could be worse. At least I'm not stuck as a cat like last time.

And I'm very cute. And my dick is huge. Ha.

Thanksgiving was all right I suppose. The trip home didn't go so well. We fought. They told me they don't consider me their daughter, I'm a freak blah blah blah. All the stuff I've heard before. They haven't changed at all. So I left without a word. What do you say to that? Last time they just told me to get out so I packed my things and went. I still don't know what to say. You're not supposed to defend your right to live to your parents.

A couple of days after I sent them a check anyway.

I have no willpower I guess.

And I'm ready to go back into the studio. We've been squandering around for too long. Or perhaps I need an alcohol induced coma.

I told my parents that if they need money then I'm going to have to go there and talk to them about it. I can't fly them here, I don't think they'd come and I just want this to be over with one way or another. I asked them if they just wanted money and then after that would I ever see or hear from them again, and they admitted that they didn't know.

But they agreed that seeing each other would be a good idea. Guess that means I'm off to Miami. I really don't want to go alone. Anyone want to come hold my hand?

I don't know if I should just stick to the topic at hand with them, or confront them or what? I really hate being an adult. But then I never really got the chance to be a kid.

Um guys?

I think we need a new manager.

Ours is trying to bite my head off.

Let's say you have friends or family you haven't seen in about 15 years because they disowned you. Then you get an email or a letter practically begging for help because their house is going to be foreclosed and they are pretty much bankrupt. You definitely have the money to help them out, but do you?

I just don't know anymore. If I do send money, do I just send a check with no words, no letter back? Do I make it clear it's a one time thing? I'd say I don't know how they found me but I guess that's pretty self explanatory when you're in the papers and all of that. It's my parents, but they kicked me out of the house when I was 15 and I haven't seen or heard from them since.

Why do people have to be so damn confusing?

Looks like you get to be a gorgeous black man anyway, Nate. Congrats.

I guess I'd better start polishing my tango shoes. (That's a joke, I know there's no such thing) I'm thinking about getting a cat, but then I think that might be my slow decent into spinster cat-ladyhood.

You ever feel like the past is going to catch up with you but that's just not possible? I hate deja-vu.

I've been thinking about having a poker tournament at my place this weekend. Y'know complete with lots of booze and cards and snacks and whatever else.

Anyone interested?

Some weird part of me wants to try out for Rent.

I don't really know why.

Should I do it?

I keep writing new songs. I guess that's a good thing right?

But it looks like we need a new drummer. If we're even a band anymore. I really don't know. Gossip guy was right, how about that?

Well, I'm useless.

( Ford )

I AM NOT A DUDE.

I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude

Not that I couldn't be if I really wanted to, but I'm not. Christ no wonder I never get laid or have a boyfriend.

Oh holy shit, this is bad. this is so bad.

I'm stuck. I've never ever been stuck before. It won't go away, it's just sitting there, staring at me.

I can't get it to go away. Seriously about to flail here.

I think I'm having one of those mid-life crises. Like I've never done anything with my life? I've made music, that's it. And just a big old house to show for it. That's it. I don't even know what I want half the time. Just about everyone I know has been married four times and has tons of kids. And I'm a 40 something year old cat lady.

Ah fuck it, maybe I'll just go be one of those reclusive weirdos like Howard Hughes.